Just me putting my thoughts out there in hopes that someone has some insight.
Published on June 16, 2008 By scoutjamal In Life Journals

Ok. Well, here I am.....trying out the blog on the world-wide web!  I've blogged a few times on MySpace, but the only folks who can access that are my friends.  So, this is going to be something new and a little scary.

Just an brief overview....3 weeks ago, my partner of 3 years ended our relationship a few days before we would have celebrated our 3 year anniversary.  She told me that she was not gay and had never felt gay, that she had always had one foot out the door of our relationship, that she wanted to go after her dream of a husband, etc.

I was devestated.  I cried for about a whole week.  Even though we have had out struggles, this breakup came out of nowhere to my heart.  In an instant, I felt that I was left with nothing - no partner, no best friend (these were the same person), no kids, no pets, no home, etc.  My world was crushed.  I felt totally alone.  I cried every time I even entertained the notion of all that I had lost.  I cried in the car. I cried at work. I cried at Wal-Mart. For a few very clear moments during that week, I wanted to die.  I had never felt that way before.  It was a dark place.

Now, a few weeks have passed.  I would love to say that we are back together and are working together to make our partnership and our family work.  But that is not the case.  In fact, right now, I'm sleeping on the couch in our living room until someone can come and help us repair the floor in the spare room so my partner can move in there.  Her immediate plan, what she wanted to happen, was that we part company and sell the house.  However, in our sucky economy that is not a possibility.  I don't think either of us should risk permanant damage to our credit because of this.  So, right now, we are living as roommates in our house.  Hopefully, by this time next week, T can have her own room and I will move into the master suite (I would sleep on that couch forever, if I thought that she just needed some time and space...but she wants to start a new life). 

So, here I am....I am a different person than I was three weeks ago.

When I woke up that Sunday morning on my friend's couch three weeks ago and realized all that I was losing, something within me clicked.  Before, I was focused solely on my partner - on her happiness and contentment.  For the first time ever, I missed my kids.  I wanted more than anything to be with them, to spend time with them, to enjoy them. 

So, now I am working on me and trying to figure me out.  I've been doing a lot of reading, crying, soul searching and talking to my mucho dinero therapist.  I've made a lot of discoveries.  The frustrating part of it is - I want the opportunity to put them into practice with what I had instead of working to fix them for what is to come.  I see so clearly things that I was doing that were wrong:

  • My partner never had a need that I did not try to fix - even before she knew it was a need. I spent my time fretting about making her happy.  Now I realize that she has to make happiness for herself.
  • I took away her role as a parent.  When I came into the picture 3 years ago, I assumed the role of step-parent extrodinaire - setting rules and being an absolute pain in the ass to the kids.  Now I want to enjoy them, be a friend and supporter to them and not my own mother in a younger version.
  • I worked myself into a frenzy trying to do all and be all and see all.  Now, I just want to savor each moment as precious, to not get so worked up about getting it right, to just basque in the process.
  • I let things go that I should have taken care of - taken more seriously - us having a baby, fixing things around the house, cultivating my relationship with the girls, allowing T to have her own time and space.
  • Etc.

I'm working on me for me now.  I am trying to figure out what makes me tick.  I'm scared to death of the process.  Some days, I say just "trust the process" and everything will work out.  Other days I just want to cry.  T is my best friend and I cannot imagine my life without her in it. 

Any suggestions out there?


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