Just me putting my thoughts out there in hopes that someone has some insight.
Published on June 17, 2008 By scoutjamal In Life Journals

The past month of my life has been pure hell on earth.  Some days, I feel confident that I will get through it.  I feel confident in the fact that I will survive.  I feel like one day it will all make sense.   Other days, I feel like I cannot go on for another minute - that the hurt I feel is so real and raw that I will cry and never stop.  On those days, I cannot fathom my present reality and hope seems lost.

I feel crazy. (I think my friends think I'm crazy too.  I'm noticing that more and more of my friends are calling me to "just check in" - like they think I may crack up or something!!!)

Over the past few days, I have been struggling with a decision that I can't quite figure out.  I'm being pulled toward doing something and being something that seems totally against my character.  Or at least I think it is?!?!?!  See, that's the part where I am so unsure.  It would have been totally against my character a month ago.  Today, I don't even think I know what my character is anymore....

I have gone from devoted partner, parent, friend to someone with no ties.  I have gone from someone who's days were filled with being a parent - homework, deadlines, chores, bedtimes, etc - to someone who has been asked not to be a parent anymore.  I have gone from someone who devoted all of themself (too much of myself I see now) to this person whom I adore - to someone who has been demoted to the status of friend and roommate.  I have gone from someone who thought they had it all figured out to someone who can't figure out a damn thing.  I've stripped it down to the bare bones - my childhood, my wounds, my hurts, my fear - and come up with no solid answers. 

So, when I'm faced with a dilemma, what do I do?  What is the right choice?  How can you feel confident that you are making the right choice when for years you thought you were making the right choices only to find that they were the wrong ones afterall? Who am I true to? Who am I tied to? 

Someone will say, "Follow your heart" - but my heart is in a million pieces and I'm trying to put it back together. So, it is of no use to me right now.

Someone will say, "Think about the future." - but right now it is dark.  What I had planned on being my future has been ripped from me.  My future was a partner to this woman I love and a parent to our kids - gone.

Someone will say, "Pray about it." - but I have prayed so much for so long and gotten nothing that I don't even consider it as a viable option anymore.

Someone will say, "What does your conscience tell you to do?" - but I would say "Who knows?" My conscience, that inate sense of right and wrong, is crushed in me.  What I thought was right has turned out wrong.  What I thought was healthy has turned out sick.  So, that is not a beacon of light to me either. 

So, I sit here unable to sleep, begging for answers to who I am and who I want to become.  And there is no clarity.

on Jun 24, 2008

God strips security from us to make us reach full Glory.

Actually, GOd doesn't do it..  We do.  We all have the power to create, and to destroy. 

And, as cliche as it sounds, there really is no triumph without tragedy.