Just me putting my thoughts out there in hopes that someone has some insight.
Published on June 19, 2008 By scoutjamal In Life Journals

Last night, I was writing in my journal, trying to be positive and upbeat about where my life is right now.  I started thinking about a relationship that I had in high school.  It was probably, without question, a teenage experimental love affair.  Both of us were in crazy places, struggling with things that, at the time, we didn't even know had a name.  When it ended, i was devestated.  I cried. I wrote really bad poetry (Don't worry, I don't have it anymore so I won't share). I thought things would never look any better.  But strangely enough, they did. 

So, as I'm lying on my couch, preparing for bed trying to muster up the courage to do this thing that I do not want to do, I reminded myslef - I will get through this.  I can be ok.  No, wait - I WILL be ok.  I have survived worse shit than this - Hell, I survived 18 years in a household with my mother.  I survived being called Satan in front of 30 kids that I adored.  I survived the death of my hero, my grandfather.  I survived grad school working 3 jobs.  I can do this. I can be ok. I will be ok.  I am ok. 

So, that is not to say that tomorrow (or in a few minutes or hours for that matter) that I won't be calling one of you guys crying, saying my life is over.  But if I do, remind me that I can be ok.

The way I see it, there are a lot of options right now, which kills me because I want to have everything, every minute detail planned out!  My ex and I could stay friends. We could stay best friends.  We could part company and never speak again.  We could find, somewhere down the line, that we want to do life together. Or a million other different scenarios.  I could maintain a relationship with my girls.  I could lose the relationship with my girls. I could strengthen the relationship with my girls. Or a million other scenarios. 

 But one thing I have resolved is NOT optional - one thing will be be different no matter what the end result - That one thing is me.  I will be healthy.  I will be ok.  I will love me enough to love someone else.  I will not let my anxieties and imperfections guide me.  I WILL BE OK. 


Comments
on Jun 20, 2008
It will work out one way or another. No point pondering on could bes and maybes, in my opinion.

It will be ok.
on Jun 24, 2008

Made me cry.

Trinitie

on Jun 30, 2008

Trinitie - Are you being sarcastic? How are you, by the way?

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