Just me putting my thoughts out there in hopes that someone has some insight.
Published on June 23, 2008 By scoutjamal In Life Journals

Ok, on my last blog, I wrote about how I was going to see Cyndi Lauper and the True Colors tour on Sunday.  I was really curious to see how I would feel when I was there - This was my second trip to True Colors, but my life looked so different than it did on my last visit.  Last year, I was there with the love of my life.  This year, she was going to the concert with me as my roommate.  Last year, True Colors was so powerful to me.  But my life looks so different now!? How would it feel to me now?

Well, the concert was AWESOME (Even better than last year).  For those of you who don't know, True Colors is a concert tour that supports the rights of the GLBT community.  At the concert, there are a couple thousand GLBT folks and those who love them!  It's very powerful and moving to be in a venue of your own people.

I got to the concert and thought, "I wonder how I will feel.  I don't even know at this point if I'm interested in boys or girls.  I don't even know who I am.  This is all gonna be so different." 

Let me tell you what I felt....

I felt at home.  These are my people and I love every one of them.  The gay guys in the matching women's tank tops - I love them. They were there last year (wearing the exact same outfits).  They relationship has lasted. The hot lesbian chick with the mohawk - love her too. She is so confident in herself.  The sweet lesbian couple sitting to my right - I love them.  Their love and affection was so geniune and so real; I almost burst into tears. 

I am at home.  This is where I belong.  These are my people.

I am not one of those people who has known I was gay since birth. My story is different - I am one of those people who knows that I fell madly in love with a woman and it was breathtaking!  But sitting there on the lawn with all my "family," I felt a connection.  We know one another's struggles.  We have all felt the pain of discrimination.  We have all lost someone we love.  We have all been disowned by family or friends because of who we choose to love.  We have all hurt and cried and felt that it was too hard to live this life.  We all cried for Matthew Shepard because we knew he could have been any one of us or someone we loved. 

As I stood there on the lawn at the end of the concert, listening to Cyndi Lauper (Cyndi Freakin' Lauper) singing "True Colors", surrounded by my "family," in a place where there is no judgment, a place where it is ok to just be me, a place where I can love who I want to love without fear of condemnation, couples holding hands and singing along - I was overwhelmed.  I burst into tears (my roommate said I did the same thing last year, but I don't remember). 

Since I have joined the "gay community," I have lost a lot - I was disowned by my mother. I was written out of my grandparents will.  I have been condenmed by friends.  I have been shunned by strangers.  I have people pray for my healing and that I would "find a good man to marry to make me happy."  I was told I was unfit to mentor an at-risk child.  I lost my partner to a world that says the only acceptable love is between a man and a woman.  I have seen friends struggle to admit to their Baptist Preacher daddy that they like boys.  I have seen friends cry because they did not have the right to marry, to be in the hospital room with their sick or dying parnter, to put their partner's child on their insurance. 

I have lost a lot over the past few years, but on that lawn with my "family," I realized I was HOME.   

on Jun 24, 2008

This is a beautiful article Becky. Belonging makes the world seem right. I wish that journey to self acceptance didn't require so much heartache, but perhaps we wouldn't appreciate the truths we discover along the way if it were easy.

on Jun 24, 2008
It is wonderful that you have found a sense of genuine belonging.