Just me putting my thoughts out there in hopes that someone has some insight.
Published on June 17, 2008 By scoutjamal In Life Journals

Today, I had a brief moment of clarity and I want to capture it in words before it is gone. 

As I mentioned in my blog yesterday, I was wrestling with making a decision that was totally against my character.  Well, today that decision came at me again - head-on.  Fortunately, circumstances prevented me from making a poor choice.  But with that came some clarity for me. 

Yesterday, I was talking about my dilemmas with figuring out who I am now that so much of me has been taken away (partner, parent, etc.).  But I think I was "throwing the baby out with bathwater" as the saying goes (and what a bizarre saying that is, by the way...).  Today, I made a decision because it seems liked the ok thing to do (Why not?), because it seemed rebelious and a way to cast off all that I am (that whole partner, parent thing again).  Did 90% of me feel like it was a bad decision? YES.  Did I let the 10% part of me rule? YES. 

So, what did I learn from that?  A couple of things:

1.  I learned that I am majorly screwed up.  For that moment, I understood how addicts feel.  They know the drugs will kill them, but at least they would numb the pain.  They can think of a million reasons why taking that drink is wrong, but yet they take it anyway.  I may be majorly screwed up, but I am worth more than that. 

2.  I learned that, although my world has been rocked in the past few weeks, there is a core of Becky that remains.  I may not be able to make sense of anything in my life right now - my relationship with my ex (I hate how that sounds, just for the record), my relationship with my kids, the damage done to me by my mother and by my own self, etc.  BUT there are some things that I know about myself to be true.  I know I believe in love and in commitment. I know that my love for my ex is the most real and wonderful and safe thing I ever experienced.  I know I take pride in family and in commitment and in doing things for my kids just because it's what you should do.  I know what is right and what is wrong.  I know my commitment is real and something that I pride myself in.  I know that, if your gut tells you no, you say no. 

So, here I am on the other side of a potential catastrophic decision that could have had long lasting consequences.  I do not think I will trod down that road again.  Whatever happens in my present relationship, I know who I am enough to know that there are some lines I just should not cross.  I want to be loved for me and I am not willing to compromise me just to keep from feeling so lonely. I know I am worth more than that!



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